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Category: Humor & Fun : Relationships
So there you are in a tangle of sheets, your arm is numb from being stuck under your partner's shoulder and the morning sun is forcing itself into your reluctantly opening eyes. Your bed mate stirs and you slowly look over. Your eyes meet and awkward, closed mouth smiles skitter across both your faces.
Although last night you were calling each other 'love-kitten' and 'naughty puppy' and using candle wax for purposes other than sealing letters, you're suddenly shy and at a loss for words.
Should you spring out of bed, brush your teeth and ask for round five?
Should you pretend to fall asleep again until your lover heads for the bathroom and then quickly pull on your clothes and leave?
Should you ask which one of you will be making breakfast?
With so many options and each move being fairly critical to the outcome, what ever will you do?
Well, it really depends on what kind of relationship you had with your lover before you did the libido lambada. Let's take a look at the possibilities for each situation.
For the sake of brevity, we'll assume this is a heterosexual liaison, but of course the discussion is applicable to all relationships and the terms 'his, her, he, she' are interchangeable. And because your brain may be a bit sex-addled when you need to recall these guidelines, let's keep it very simple.
If you have had a pre-existing, romantic, flowery pairing before this first intimacy, then you'll be apt to hang around. Maybe do a little brunch (Bloody Mary's are helpful, by the way), a little necking and eventually wake up again the next morning. Assuming you want to keep this person in your life past the next evening here are the "Do's and Don'ts":
DO: Offer a toothbrush. Must be clean and wrapped (every good host/ess should have several on hand).
DON'T: Ask her where she learned to do that thing with her tongue. Do you really want to know? I think not.
DO: Tell him how incredibly wonderful last night was and how much you enjoyed learning about his body and his sexual desires. If he was really good with his hands, his mouth or the use of a pastry brush, let him know.
DON'T: Use the term 'cute' to describe his manhood. Bunnies are cute. Duckies are cute. Herculean would be the appropriate description
DO: Offer to go out for bagels and the newspaper. This gives you both time to freshen your minds and skip the awkward silences. They'll be plenty of those later.
DON'T: Offer her a pair of clean underwear, no matter how long ago they were left their by your last girlfriend or how many times they were laundered or even if your sister left them there when she visited last September. Nor should you have an unopened package of these around. The toothbrush principle does not apply.
Now, if the person you wake up with is not the potential love of your life, but rather someone whom you just met and simply had to rub bellies with, then the rules are slightly different. We'll take for granted that you want to exit as gracefully as possible from this situation. However, don't be too hasty. Some bridges are better left unburned in case of lust-laden emergencies. It's crass, yet true.
DO: Say that last night was "really wild" and that you can't believe how "uninhibited" you were. These phrases infer a compliment while remaining noncommittal. They can later be used in the context of "I don't know what I was thinking".
DON'T: Take a short shower if you're the one who lives there. With luck, the other person will get bored after an hour or two and leave while you're still under the spray.
DO: Look at the clock and exclaim, "Oh my God! I have to be at my manicurist's dog's funeral in fifteen minutes!" You may then gather clothing, put on what the law requires and say what a great time you had as you head for the door.
DON'T: Leave anything behind. You don't want to have to call and you don't want to have to be called.
DO: Say, "You know, I really started talking to you at the club last night because of your friend but - (pause for effect) - I suppose it would be rude to ask about him/her now, huh?" Make sure you look forlorn, yet sheepish. Only do this if you really, really never want to see this person again.
DON'T: Assume that you are the only one who wants out of there. Often, asking, "What do we do now?" may be the easiest, most truthful way out of an uncomfortable situation.
Granted, the morning after is fairly confusing. The potential predicaments are endless and the variables are vast. Don't be tempted to be suckered into a situation, you weren't born yesterday even if you did call him 'daddy' last night. And don't allow guilt to rule your actions. Guilt is for Catholic school co-eds who wear short plaid skirts and white knee socks and need to be punished, and that's probably what got you into the dilemma in the first place.
Keep it simple and if you don't want to have to deal with it at all, keep your clothes on.
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